“You just look really weird when you’re eating. It makes me uncomfortable.””

A couple years ago, my sister saw me eating ice cream. That’s it. All I was doing was eating some ice cream. Apparently, though, my eating made her “uncomfortable.” I didn’t really think too much about it. I mean, she didn’t mean anything by it, right?

The more I thought about what she had said, the more I began to think: What if all of my friends thought the same thing? What if everybody around me thought that my eating was weird, and they were just waiting for me to figure it out? I started getting less food on my lunch tray, out of worry that I would be annoying my friends with my eating. I would leave the room to eat my dinner. I had a period of time where I didn’t eat breakfast or lunch, and I didn’t even think about why that was a problem. I was essentially starving myself, all because I was worried that my eating made other people feel uncomfortable. 

Since then, I’ve managed to move on from skipping lunch, and most of the time I can eat without feeling like I’m doing something wrong. My sister, on her part, has been extremely apologetic. I haven’t found any reason to hold what she said against her. She had no idea it would affect me the way it did. But that’s my entire point. It’s important to recognize microaggressions, and avoid using them. Luckily for me, my sister gave me permission to use this story as an example, so I could show how even the smallest offhand comments can change someone’s life substantially.

What Counts As “Insulting?”

“Microaggressions are the everyday verbal, nonverbal, and environmental slights, snubs, or insults, whether intentional or unintentional, which communicate hostile, derogatory, or negative messages to target persons based solely upon their marginalized group membership.”

It’s extremely difficult to determine what will hurt someone, and what won’t. These types of insults, whether they’re intentional or not, are called microaggressions. Derald Wing Sue, a professor of psychology and education at Columbia University, explains, “Microaggressions are the everyday verbal, nonverbal, and environmental slights, snubs, or insults, whether intentional or unintentional, which communicate hostile, derogatory, or negative messages to target persons based solely upon their marginalized group membership.”

Simply put, microaggressions are the hurtful things people say and do under the radar. What this means is you’ll feel hurt, but most likely won’t call attention to the insult because you don’t want to cause any more trouble.

Most people don’t like arguing if they don’t have to. This is partially due to the fight or flight response ingrained in all humans. In an episode of National Geographic’s Brain Games, it was revealed that 90% of people choose to flee, rather than fight, when confronted with danger. The same idea applies to verbal situations. The problem with the flight response, however, is that many people have no clue they’re being rude. If you don’t tell someone they hurt you, they have no reason to stop. 

The most common types of microaggressions are hidden insults and gaslighting. Both of these are hidden within something seemingly innocent, but the message that people receive is anything but positive. Hidden insults, or “backhanded compliments” are especially common in high school, where students prefer to be passive aggressive rather than tell people what they feel. In a student survey of Pre-AP English students, it was revealed 59% of students describe themselves as passive aggressive. 77% of students said they thought most people around them were passive aggressive too. While hidden insults are intended to be compliments, they normally have an underlying message, making the person feel embarrassed. Gaslighting is similar to hidden insults, only instead of a compliment, gaslighting is hidden within a concern. Gaslighting is generally on purpose, but it can be anything that makes a person doubt themself. Extreme gaslighting will cause someone not only to doubt their worth, but their sanity. Those who have experienced gaslighting tend to apologize more often than the average person, and have lower than average self-esteem. Examples of hidden insults and gaslighting include: 

Image found on Pixabay, by Hermann

• “I like that color on you. It makes you look less tired.”
• “It’s awesome that you don’t care what you look like every day.”
• “Did you forget to brush your hair today?”
• “You’re smarter than that.”
• “I’m impressed you got that question right.”
• “I’m just worried about you. You get so anxious all the time.”
• “You’re just confused again.”
• “That’s what your laugh sounds like? That’s hilarious!”

If and when people say something like this to you, that doesn’t necessarily mean they wanted to make you feel hurt. In the same way, if you’ve said anything along these lines – I know I have – that doesn’t make you an awful person. That being said, just because you don’t mean to insult someone, it doesn’t mean they’re okay. Sometimes, what you find as a joke, or even friendly advice, can hurt more than a direct insult. This is especially true when the aggressions come from friends or family.

Friendly Fire

How many times in your life have you heard something along the lines of “Hey, you’re just like [insert random name here] because you both [obscure thing that you somehow have in common!]” I’d be willing to bet it’s been more than once.

Whether you’re being compared to a family member, a friend, or some random celebrity, a comparison like that has a lot more power than you would think. By comparing yourself to someone else, you begin to associate yourself with them. When I was 6 or 7, my grandma told me I looked like Snow White. For the next few years, Snow White became my favorite princess. Now, of course, I know the best princess is Belle from Beauty and the Beast, but the point still stands that one comparison changed mini-me’s opinion for years.

[perfectpullquote align=”left” cite=”” link=”” color=”” class=”” size=””]When you associate yourself with others, and those others with a specific group, the lines around the groups blend together.[/perfectpullquote]

Believe it or not, this influence actually comes from “Ingroup Bias.” Ingroup Bias is any group you believe yourself to be a part of, at any point. Ingroups can include your friends, your family, your classmates (or coworkers,) and pretty much any other variation of people you’re “in” with.

Most people don’t realize just how much power the ingroup has over them. Maybe you wore your favorite shirt because somebody complimented you the last time you wore it. Maybe you decided to try out for a sports team, or join a club, because you had friends in it. I’m not saying any of these are problems. It just means your friends have a lot of influence on you. The problem is when their influence turns negative. If someone random person said something bad about someone, their feelings would most likely be hurt. However, it’s easier for humans to brush off random people.  After all, they still have the approval of their friends. When an insult comes directly from the ingroup, there’s no safety net. In my case, I had stopped eating around my friends. I figured if one person thought my eating wasn’t normal, that must have meant everybody did.

When you associate yourself with others, and those others with a specific group, the lines around the groups blend together. If one of your parents doesn’t like a shirt you’re wearing, you’re less likely to wear it to school, even though there’s almost no correlation. Disapproval from one person can easily shift into disapproval from everyone, in every group.

The 5 Minute Rule

This is the point in the article where I reveal my magical cure-all solution to the problem. After all, I’ve been preaching about how bad microaggressions are, so I better be able to fix it, right? Well, hopefully you can read sarcasm online, because I definitely don’t have that type of solution. What I do have is a way to be more careful about what you say, so can avoid hurting other people’s feelings.

According to the earlier mentioned student survey, 84% of high school students have never heard of the 5 minute rule. Of the remaining 16%, 14% of students knew what it was. To the final 2% who thought the 5 minute rule meant you had 5 minutes to pick a piece of food up off of the ground, I apologize for disappointing you.

The 5 Minute Rule is pretty easy to remember, and even easier to use; If something’s wrong with a person’s appearance that can’t be fixed in 5 minutes, don’t tell them.

It’s simple. Does someone you know have smudged makeup? You can tell them. Does one of your friends have food in their teeth? You can tell them. Does a sibling have part of their hair that’s going left instead of right? You can tell them. 97% of surveyed students would prefer you tell them their hair was sticking out oddly, rather than pretend you don’t notice. But if you think someone’s laugh sounds weird, or they cut their hair too short, or they have too much acne? Leave it be.

The 5 minute rule may seem like a tiny change, but that’s only because it is. It doesn’t take an hour of practice a day or a Ph.D. in Psychology to understand. Following the 5 minute rule can also make you more aware of other people not following it. There’s no downside for using it. It’s just thinking some more before you say something.

I know this blog isn’t going to suddenly cause world peace. If it was, then nobody would have any reason to read this afterwards, anyway. But I’ve seen people hurt, and I’ve been hurt myself. I know, with that type of weight on your shoulders, it’s easy to fall back into yourself.

Lots of adults say the best thing to do when you’re being bullied is to ignore the bully. If you ignore the feeling, it gets suppressed, and it’s supposed to go away. Unfortunately, anybody who has tried this method knows that feelings don’t go away forever. And by the time you realize that your pain is staying, it’s usually too late to confront the problem.

[perfectpullquote align=”full” cite=”” link=”” color=”” class=”” size=””]The 5 minute rule may seem like a tiny change, but that’s only because it is.[/perfectpullquote]

In a perfect world scenario, if someone felt hurt, they would say so immediately. Then once they explained themselves, the other person would immediately understand, apologize, and learn from their mistake.

This is not a perfect world.

As someone who hates confrontation, I know that it’s not easy to say that my feelings have been hurt. It’s even less likely that the other person will realize what they said was hurtful and apologize. So I’m offering my best advice on how to deal with microaggressions;

Let go. Yes, letting go is hard, but it’s a lot better than listening to the devil on your shoulder all the time. Eleanor Roosevelt once said, “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” This applies to everyone. It was only when I realized that my not-eating was unhealthy that I started eating again.

It’s impossible to avoid microaggressions, intentional or not. I’m not saying you can. What you can do is avoid using them. Now, you’ll be able to recognize when you’re experiencing microaggressions, and be able to move on from the effects they have on you.

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