[dropcap]M[/dropcap]y all time favorite song to sing is Disney’s  “I’ll Make A Man Out of You” from Mulan. I’ve even gone to the extremes of making my little sisters memorize the echo “Be A Man!” part in the chorus, as it’s sadly not possible to sing both parts at once on my own.

Even as this film was made in 1998 we still see, 20 years later, recurring messages of this strong ‘macho man’ archetype, and the issues that come along with it. These societal expectations for this ‘macho man’ archetype leads to confining boys true character and compromising it for what society wants. This is why this societal expectation is known as toxic masculinity.  Although this term has proved to be controversial because it seems to attack the male gender, if we want to promote authentic men in our current society we must understand the term toxic masculinity, and the ways our society limits boys from maturing into real men.

For, the true problem is not within men themselves, but the expectations society holds on men, and the way boys are taught to act as they mature into adulthood.

Defining Toxic Masculinity.

The term toxic masculinity, without context, may seem extremely insulting or bigoted towards men. However, it’s important to clarify that the term is not to say that men are poisonous, but rather society’s restrictions on men are.

Colleen Clemens, director of Women’s and Gender Studies at Kutztown University in Pennsylvania, puts it perfectly in her article: “The phrase [toxic masculinity] is derived from studies that focus on violent behavior perpetrated by men, and is designed to describe not masculinity itself, but a form of gendered behavior that results when expectations of “what it means to be a man” go wrong.” As Clemens points out toxic masculinity focuses on the strict gender norms oppressing men, rather than  the flaws in men as many people assume it is.

The Double Standard

The heart of toxic masculinity is the way parents raise their sons, but more specifically the difference with which parents are raising their sons compared to their daughters. This is known as the double standard.

Many people argue that the double standard is acceptable because boys and girls brains are scientifically different. However, Lise Elliot, Professor of Neuroscience at The Chicago Medical School, clears up in her article “Pink Brain, Blue Brain”  that research shows there is little difference between a male and female’s brain at birth. Without a biological explanation for this double standard, it leaves us with only one explanation of this occurrence, societal norms and expectations. Colleen Collins makes this clear in her article by saying, “While gender identity is a deeply held feeling of being male, female or another gender, people of different genders often act differently, not because of biological characteristics but because of rigid societal norms created around femininity and masculinity.”

[perfectpullquote align=”full” bordertop=”false” cite=”” link=”” color=”” class=”” size=””]These double standards center on harsh expectations for boys to obtain dominance and control, avoid weakness, and restrict/hide their emotions.[/perfectpullquote]

One example of the rigid societal norms Collins refers to is physical affection. According to a University of California San Diego Medical Center  Article, human touch is central to a person’s emotional well being. Yet, we still see a double standard where parents express less physical affection towards their sons compared to their daughters, in result of being afraid to create a ‘wimpy’ boy.

Image Source: Pixabay.com

In the New York Times Article, “Stop Worrying About Raising A Mama’s Boy” author, KJ Dell’Antonia addresses the fear of Mothers everywhere, in that playing a big role in their little boy’s life they will create the wimpy, awkward ‘mama’s boy’ archetype displayed throughout media. One mother and former New York Times author Kate Lombardi states in her book Mama’s Boy Myth that “the hangover from generations of gender preconceptions affects us all, and that in many families and communities, mothers still find themselves urged to push their sons away at exactly the moments (like starting school and becoming a teenager) when our boys need us most.” This pushing away action that many parents conform to towards their sons is sending the message that boys are supposed to fend for themselves and not seek out help in order to be strong and independent, but this practice can lead to problems down the road when a boy or man actually needs help.

There are many other examples within parenting of the double standard, but all of them have one thing in common. These double standards center on harsh expectations for boys to obtain dominance and control, avoid weakness, and restrict/hide their emotions. Parenting also is not the only platform that the double standard exists within. Teachers, and other adult role models can also abide to the double standard and impact boys from a young age.

Opposing View

In the Media

In a CBN Interview  of Donald Trump responds to the question do you cry by saying, “No I’m not a big crier. I like to get things done. I’m not a big crier.” By saying he’s not a big crier because he likes to get things done Trump suggests that to be an assertive man and get things done you should not cry. Being the President of the United States is typically associated with being a role model, and by saying this Trump sends the message to the men of the United States that being successful does not come by crying. But, according to the 2014 Journal of Frontiers in Psychology crying is proven to be a self soothing behavior, and can lead you to a better state of mind after you cry. So this directly contradicts the opposing view that successful men can’t cry as a clear state of mind is crucial to tough decision making that a successful job would require, such as the President of the United States. 

All around Us

Not only is our president supporting ideas of toxic masculinity, but things we say and hear others say everyday are actually encouraging a community filled with toxic masculinity.

My little cousin Tommy is just one example. Tommy is a 4 yr old little boy in love with all things pink, furry, or anything resembling a doll (he also may be the cutest little kid I’ve ever met). But as he’s grown up I’ve begun to notice that even though he loves dolls, stuffed animal and pink at holidays he always receives cars, trucks and blue. I know he’s only four and what kind of gifts he receives seems trivial. However, my relatives by buying what society deems a ‘typical’ little boy should like they completely ignore what Tommy does like. Ultimately, sending the message that society’s ideal male archetype is more important than who Tommy truly is.

Similar to my relatives, people all over the world contribute unconsciously to the toxicity of masculinity by telling boys: ‘boys don’t cry’, ‘you run like a girl’,  ‘don’t be a pussy’, ‘you’re gay’, ‘you’re too sensitive’, ‘you’re a wimp’, ‘man up’, ‘be a man’, and countless others.

We tell boys these things to change what they are doing at the moment, but in reality we are telling them to change who they really are.

Effects of Toxic Masculinity

In Dr. Andra Wilkinson’s article “Big Boys Don’t Cry” she states, “Men and boys in the U.S. account for 78 percent of all suicides, 80 percent of fatal heroin overdoses, and 98 percent of mass shooters. While suicides, substance use, and mass violence show variation by race/ethnicity, the dominance of men is consistent in all categories. Now, how does this relate to toxic masculinity you might be wondering?

As a society when we oppress men into the ‘macho man’ archetype, many boys feel it necessary to prove their masculinity to their peers daily through acts of dominance. And since they’ve been taught that weakness is unacceptable, rather than using coping skills such as reaching out for help or talking to someone about what you are going through, they resort to what society teaches them is ‘manly’; acts of anger, violence, and even substance abuse. On the other hand women are being taught from a young age to ask for help, reach out and express their emotions.

In her article “What We Mean When We Say, ‘Toxic Masculinity’” Colleen Clemens puts it best: “After decades of study, I deeply believe that men are not naturally violent. But in a culture that equates masculinity with physical power, some men and boys will invariably feel like they are failing at being a man. For these particular men and boys, toxic masculinity has created a vacuum in their lives that can be filled through violence: through the abuse of women and of children in their care, through affiliation with the so-called “alt-right” or ISIS, through gun violence or any other promise of restored agency that those parties wrongly equate with manhood.”

Watch as these boys and men share their experiences of how they feel forced to live in a mask, hiding what society finds undesirable for men in the documentary trailer of “The Mask We Live In”.

Conclusion

There is not one certain solution of solving our society’s issue of toxic masculinity and promoting ‘real’ men, but the best way to start is by having conversations.

Just reaching out and addressing that there is an issue with how our society influences young men is a crucial step in eliminating toxic masculinity, and can foster more conversations and ideas with how to stop yourself and others around you from encouraging a certain male archetype.

As Collins once again in her article, “What We Mean When We Say, ‘Toxic Masculinity’” so wisely says, “The stakes of this conversation couldn’t be higher. When we talk about toxic masculinity, we do so not to insult or to injure. If we can talk with students as they are forming their ideas about gender, we can perhaps spare them from thinking that there is only one way to be a man—or any other gendered identity, for that matter—and give them the space to express their gender in ways that feel authentic and safe for themselves. When we talk about toxic masculinity, we are doing so out of love for the boys and men in all of our lives.”

One conversation is all it takes for you to spark a change, and foster a growing community of people concerned about and invested in the well being of  ‘real’ men.

Featured Image: Pixabay Images